Cecily: Excessively Pretty And Only Just Eighteen
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "reignedumonde" journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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11:23 pm
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*Growl*
Grrr. Okay, so I didn't go to bed nice and early last night,, I was up till nearly two o'clock sorting through a box of my stuff that my mom just wouldn't leave me alone about. Up before six, on the bus by 6:45, tired and bored, I arrive in New York, lug my suitcase uptown around one. To unload it, however - all the little kitchen things - I start cleaning the kitchen. By ten it's actually presentable. With breaks to do other work, like tidying the room and going downtown to get a snack and do laundry. All this work, I'm so tired already... I want to sleep. But I'm cold and lonely and sad, because a phone call I'd been hoping for didn't happen. And tired, so tired...
Current Mood:  tired
Current Music: cell phone ring... alas, only imagined
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11:06 pm
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Home!
I'm finally going home tomorrow morning. Bus leaves at 6:45 a.m., to be precise, but hey, it's not the earliest I've gotten up in the last week (read: damn airports!). Bringing a lot more than I started out with, but should be okay hauling it up to the apartment, I'm a big girl. Trying to get my things out of my parents' reach, si I know where they are and can get them when I want. I don't like my mom's methods about things she doesn't want or like or see as useful. So there will be more stuff in our apartment now, yay for me. We need shelveses.
But I can't wait to get out of here. I was finally able to sleep last night, and that only by huddling myself into a corner sort of like I'd done on the couch at the apartment so many times... I miss that feeling. That couch is definitely getting a loving plop when I get home. And maybe a preferential nap or two.
And I get to see my kitten. Even if my negligence and sudden absence may have killed Josephine. He'll forgive me. I miss my kittenums, but it's only tomorrow and half of Wednesday now. And I'll try to keep myself busy, you know, unpacking and cleaning and probably a trip downtown, and what-not. And reading and munching on things. And waiting-waiting-waiting... Those flights had better be on time. Or there will be one frustrated Xenia woman capable of inflicting irreparable damamge to any and all who dare cross the path of her incredible fury.
I'll be bored on the bus. I don't like having to go in the morning, 'cause I can't even call anyone and chat. I ought to have gone tonight. If I'd left on the 6 o'clock, I'd be at home already. But oh well. I took Grene to read on the bus, and I still have music, and my mom packed me some food. I should be okay. At least in the morning I can stare out the window, not that anything interesting will pass by at least until exit 10 on the NJ Turnpike.
Well, rather than putting it off, I should probably go to bed, so I can get the trip over with quickly and do other things afterwards that aren't quite so boring and bland.
It'll be cold, won't it?
But no matter. Narnia and the North! Further in and higher up! *resolutely march off upstairs to brush teeth, like all good heroes*
Current Mood:  restless
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12:05 am
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They got me to do it after all...
They got me to come home for Christmas. "Home." "Home" being the townhouse in Maryland they'd been renting for a year and a half, and will be giving up soon enough for another one that they'll be paying off for the next 30 years or so. "They" being my parents. But the dorms are so miserably empty, and the apartment so sleepy and slow and food-less, and David so persuasive about the virtue of holidays with one's family (it's easy for him to say, his family is wonderful, and a whole lot of them come together, and there's tons of food... see my Thanksgiving entry), that I managed to catch a bus (with no little trouble, which last I blame on my mom and David waking me up at ten in the morning when I needed another hour or two at the least).
My parents expect me to stay through New Year's. Fat chance. I packed for a couple days. The weekend, maybe Monday. But I will eat all the good food I can, steal what I can't eat, and get recipies for what I can't steal. And try to bring home some of the things I missed last time.
There was this African-American (or whatever the pc term is these days) guy on the bus who randomly started talking to me in Russian today. I was confused for a little, given that he looked like your typical Harlem resident. Turns out he's from something like Guinea and studied in Moscow for four years. He seemed very intent of continuing to bring on my chocolate overdose, and was very nice in general. We exchanged numbers, but I expect we will soon find little to talk about. At least in Russian, considering, however good it is, he still struggles with everything but the simple and common words and topics. But it was funny nevertheless, having the guy next to you on the bus randomly start talking to you in your native tongue.
Nothing else much to report of. My cell phone was dying, so I kept it turned off fot the trip, so unfortunately if anyone tried to call, I'd have missed it. I miss my kitten. I'm sorry if you tried calling and didn't catch me and were worried. It was nice meeting David for lunch, however briefly. I hadn't seen him in a week, and I've been rather sad lately, which he helped with a little. At least I'm not miserable, just quiet and tired, right now.
Well, happy holidays, I guess. Computers deserve holiday greetings too. Happy Christmakhanukwanzakah. And the same to anyone who may read this rubbish. Enjoy your days off and eat good food, and live happily ever after. And good night.
Current Mood:  drained
Current Music: silence
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04:42 pm
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What The Hell Is Wrong WIth Me?
Okay, the stresses are over. The overdue papers are in, and just now I took my last actual final. There's only two more papers to turn in - the final draft of the essay that's been giving me so much trouble, and a take-home in Russian, which should be easy. So no worries.
But why the hell then am I behaving the way I am?!
It's like I'm overstressed physically, mentally, and emotionally all together, when in reality I have nothing to worry about! I break down, or get vicious and snap at people, or just feel like spitting the world in the face and then rubbing it in with my shoe. What the hell, I say? This isn't me. I'm not supposed to be this grumpy depressing overly negative person. I'm a happy child, I'm the kind of person that sees magic in everyday things, I'm a dreamer and a person of light! So what the hell is wrong with me?!
Please don't tell me I'm going insane. Clinically. Like my brother. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. Give me back the Xenia!
I hope I'm just underestimating the stress level and not getting enough sleep. I hope.
But I don't know what to do with it, and it's starting to get to where it's hurting people around me. And that's not good at all, because they love me and never deserve to be hurt. And I love them and hurting them makes me feel even worse. I need to get over whatever this is soon!
On a brighter note, today I'll be picking up the documents my parents got legalized at the embassy, tomorrow morning picking up mine at the consulate, and sending them off to my grandfather by the expressest mail possible. Which I still need to figure out, I have no idea what would be secure, fast, and cheap all at once, and delivered to Russia. But when I get that done, I can have my grandparents, aunt, and little cousin living in Russia rather than Uzbekistan, legally! And being safe and, in Tanya's case, getting an actual education. And that is very good. Although I'll never get to go to the beach on the Syrdaria, but it's very worth it. They're together with my uncle's family, and they're where we can reach them if we go back. It's a good thing.
And all this school bullshit is almost over now.
Current Mood:  aggravated
Current Music: ITW - Cinderella's lament
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11:42 pm
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Overworked, underslept...
You know how all the teachers give you tons of papers due the last week before finals and the week of finals? Yeah, those. With the show the weekend of the 3rd, I started getting behind, and only now am starting to catch up a little - on my work, while my sleep remains at a minimum. I mean, I just went in and took a final on two hours of sleep this morning, because I was finishing a paper for that class that was overdue by a week... I ought to work on my essay right now, too...
Lonely. And sick, which isn't helping at all, but hey, at least I'm not fainting like I was on Thursday. I can work with a sore throat, I cannot work with my head all spinning and my limbs all weak. But still, I'm lonely. You know, maybe - just maybe - it would be fair if the person who gave me whatever it is I've caught talked to me a little, whouldn't it? I think so. Haven't been able to get in touch at all. Grr, people who forget to turn on their cell phones and check for messages.
Friday was evil. I had to spend the day inhaling the poisonous fumes of Russian bureaucracy at the Consulate. It is really depressing the moment you enter. But I'm very glad my grandparents have finally moved to Russia, Uzbekistan is becoming very much a hostile place for Russian speakers. Like much of the former Union. Take the whole mess with the Ukrainian elections, for example. It is so depressing. I hate politics. People are wrong.
I've been fairly depressed all this time, but Saturday I fed some people and they liked me, which was nice. I got to prove to myself I wasn't useless with a spatula, even if I'm incapable of boiling potatoes.
Sunday was more moping, but I found something pretty cool - there's a street called Taras Shevchenko Place near St. Mark's. It's in the Ukrainian district, so it makes sense. But it made me think of old times again.
I really don't know what to do with all this nostalgia. It's pathetic really. What I need is a place/group of people where I'd be able to live these dreams... Alas, all in the past now. I need to go to Jersey...
Today, like I said, was paper-writing, two hours of sleep, a pretty pathetic final (I missed over half those lectures and I'll still be getting an A in the class, especially since the TA was so nice and said he won't take off for my paper being late), food, two more hours, more food, reading for Russian class, then the class, then trying to get my ass to work on the essay. Tough luck. Dinner, then another nap - this one not as effective, because people kept moving about, though I have to give them credit, they did their best to be really nice and quiet this time. I'm grateful.
Wish people would talk to me. Wish someone called me at ungodly hours. Wish someone could be there when I'm down... Oh well. Just proves I'm down too much lately. Everybody gets tired of a constantly depressing person eventually. Still, damn cell phones being off!
Oh well. Back to surviving. I figure, if I survive this week and write my Russian final over the weekend, I can relax and be happy again. All I have to do is survive. But God am I tired!
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Elena Kamburova singing Okudzhava's songs
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01:48 am
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Opening Night
My off-Broadway premiere better bettered expectation than you must expect of me to tell you how. Outside of not being able to breathe because of the bandages, it went great, my headache went away, and it stopped being stiflingly hot by the time curtain came along. And we were sold out. So - yay! *skip off into the distance*
Current Mood:  jubilant
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06:27 pm
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Much Ado About Nothing
This goes directly out to the people, specifically those in New York:
William Shakespeare's "MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING" is opening this Friday night at the BLUE HERON THEATER. Everyone and their grandmother is invited to attend this show, put on by the Gallatin Theatre Troupe and directed by Andrea Stumpf.
Showtimes are:
Friday, December 3 at 8:00pm
Saturday, December 4 at 2:00pm and 8:00pm
Sunday, December 5 at 2:00pm and 8:00pm
The Blue Heron Theater
123 East 24th Street
(Between Park and Lexington)
Tickets $5 for Students and $10 for Adults
(Reservations available by e-mail spurt.of.scarlet@nyu.edu - tickets will be availavle at the door, but reservations are recommended as this is a very small house.)
Current Mood:  hyper
Current Music: Fanfares
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03:21 pm
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Thanksgiving
I didn't post on Thanksgiving, or even soon afterwards. I've been busy eating, and when I wasn't, my LJ has beed down. But I want to praise the food and friends. I want to record my thanks, too. Thank Heaven for breaks when you need them, and thank Heaven for David, Kittie, Camy, Angel, Warren, and all the other wonderful people connected with them. I'm thankful for all my faraway friends, too, even those I don't keep in touch with. And of course, for simply being here, in this great city, in this frustrating but nevertheless more or less liveable country, in this unfathomable universe.
Wednesday was a slow and relaxed day to myself. Not much happened until I met up with David to head for the train up to gorgeous New Rochelle, where I would spend Thanksgiving day with his family, whose hospitality I am endlessly grateful for. The food started at two and went on until I fell asleep around nine waiting for dessert. So I'm not sure when it ended. And it was soooo good. A lot of it was things I wasn't familiar with, but I can see now why Thanksgiving is looked forward to so much in the States. Everybody is there, everybody contributes, and everybody stuffs themselves so full of the finger-lickin' goodness that they fall asleep waiting for dessert - you can't not love it!
I wish my entire family could get together like that once or twice a year, grandparents, cousins, and all. It makes me feel almost like an orphan when I see people whose family is counted by the dozen. But it feels so good to be welcomed into their circle, because I don't have that cheery, noisy warmth. I don't even get along than well with my own little family - hence my trying to stay away from Maryland a much as I can. And yet, somehow I feel a little happiness right now. I can't be sad about it. I have my friends, I have the world, what more could I wish for?
Friday I spent a few hours in my dorm, but since there's nothing to eat on campus, I took off again to meet up with Kittie and spend the weekend uptown. So far, that has been wonderful, quiet, and warm (except this morning because it's been raining so the sun didn't heat us through the south-facing windows). Last night Camy brought Angel, Warren and me out to her parents' house in Queens, where we were fes yet another wonderful Thanksgiving dinner, and introduced to four beautiful cats, who all came to meet us an play with us. It was wonderful. Although the way Camy's father drives (he drove us all the way back), I was almost ready for it not to last much longer. :)
Today I haven't done much beyond saying goodbye to Kittie and Angel as they left for their respective work and to Mark and Cybele as they left to go home. I read some, and made sure I had no urgent homework or rehearsals to attend to. Hell week is officially on, ladies and gentlemen, and the show opens Friday at 8 at the Blue Heron Theatre on 24th St. I hope to see familiar faces there, or at on of the Saturday or Sunday shows (2 p.m. and 8 p.m. each day). Now, I'm thinking of making my way back downtown for some warm clothes and perhaps a snack, although I don't want to spend the night there, as I may have to often enough this week because of late rehearsals and shows. With this, I will sign off. Peace, dear world.
Current Mood:  content
Current Music: Warren playing video games
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06:14 pm
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Home
What is really my home? Do I have one? Or maybe I have many? As many as the places I've lived? As many as the places I enjoy coming back to? I mean, Troitsk is of course home. But I feel nostalgic when I see the South Mountains and Ahwatukee below me when landing in Tempe. I miss Chaparral. I would love to go back to Saint Petersburg. Even QO felt like something familiar and friendly when I came back on Saturday. But... I'm not sure if the townhouse feels like home. Yes, it is where my family lives. It is where I go when I tell people that "I'm going home for the weekend." But somehow, every time I say that, I feel wrong. Maybe it's my nose growing. :) For that matter, the dorm room doesn't really feel like home either. Sure, I spend all my time there. I'm sitting there now, typing. But it doesn't have a special place in my heart. The uptown apartment, on the other hand, does. It's hard not to think of it as home because I don't live there. I guess the past places have to do with the memories and the present places have to do with the people. And they're wonderful people. Who really care about me. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is with my friends.
But now the post. The end of last week was sort of meh. Some was sad, down, and cranky. But Friday I had rehearsal, and in between my scenes I was drawing on the chalkboard in the hallway. I covered it in quotes and pictures, including Frost's "Fire and Ice" with a pretty good illustration, two lines in French from "The Little Prince," with drawings of the elephant in the boa and of a lamb, a Douglas Adams quote, and the Sacred Chao. It was fun. And people stopped and stared at it afterwards. Yay for defacing school property.
The rest of that night I moped arouns, watched "Finding Nemo" with my roommates, and packed. Saturday morning I got up at six (no idea how I managed it, I'd gone to bed at two), showered, dressed, ate, and started out with the intention of catching the 8 a.m. bus, bacause I couldn't have made the 7 a.m. and not starved. I got it, a different company again, but it worked out nicely, I slept several stretches of the way, got a headache from the direct sunlight beating down on me through the window and from the stuffiness and from the lack of sleep. Dad picked me up, we got home, talked, ate, and then went shopping with Mom. Didn't get anything I was looking for, but got some Lindt chocolates instead, made me go insane. The best chocolate in this country, I tell you, if not in the world. The Lindor Truffle. Especially the dark chocolate, but that's just my taste. Can't eat more than two because they're so palpably fattening, but can't eat fewer than three because they're too delicious! Oh, but that wasn't all. We went to Tina's, too. And I did a quick velvet-and-leather scan. And guess what, the scan turned out positive for almost another 50 bucks' worth of really nica things. I'm all set to be in New York now, and to compete with Velvet Mike in my velvetiness (am wearing new red velvet pants right now, they're soooo comfy!). And nothing can beat red leather pants. Made me happy, but the headache didn't go away.
So I ate real quick and went to the school play, like I promised Eleanor. It was wonderful to see her and some other familiar faces, but there weren't nearly as many as I would have liked, and not nearly as many as I would have liked really cared for the fact that I'm there. Which reminded me how left out I felt at QO Theatre. But it didn't matter, because the people I cared about were happy to see me. And it was so nice to see my "children," the insane freshmen from the "Devil" cast, advancing in the theatre, doing things of their own, growing up. David was the voice of Tinkerbell, and Melissa excitedly told me she'll be directing her own play for the winter one-acts. And I caught brief hellos and hugs from many hurrying cast and crew members: Avnish Mehra (a militant Peter) and Alex Kelly (busier than ever running the show), Jeremy Lee (the evil Captain James Hook) and Judy Beltrano (still running crew, though I didn't see Jill), Duncan Appleby (grew his hair out) and Nicole Kielkucki, and Alonso Gamarra, and Casey Swartz, and Ben Claycamp, and Tommy Kuhn. Plenty of hugs were exchanged during that intermission.
I came home and looked for people to complain to about feeling down and left out (Unlike me, Bobby got invited to the cast party, but then again, he never even noticed me, I'm just so far below his dignity). I was online for a while, got insulted again by Dylan, who'd told me a while ago that he'd never talk to be again, but oh well. Kalman introduced me to Rin and I chatted with her awhile, it was random and quite fun. The next morning I slept an hour longer than I was going to, but woke up gloriously refreshed after a good night's sleep and minus my headache, and spent the whole day packing the stuff I wanted to take with me, and of course, only got half of what I wanted. Almost wasn't able to get on the bus, because the previous one hadn't come and the crowd was bigger than the bus, but luckily I had Dada there to load my stuff as I elbowed my way to the doors, so I got on alright and got here by 11, read and listened to music all the way, and didn't do any work. David met me off the bus and helped me get the stuff home, then took me to a late dinner, and then we ended up talking in the Rubin lobby again - till five in the morning. It's got to be bad for him.
Anyway, today we caught lunch after I finished some homework and got a quick nap, and organized all the stuff I brought with me. Right now it's dinner time. So long, and thanks for all the fish!
Current Mood:  productive
Current Music: TMBG - "We've Got A World That's Fine"
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01:21 am
[Link] | This week's had a lot of ups and downs, a lot of mood swings. This must be one of them, but this one's self-induced, there isn't anyone around to blame it on. Monday David was really out of sorts with everything going on, enough to lose his appetite in the middle of dinner. We talked the whole evening (I realized the next day that I'd entirely forgotten about the Act V rehearsalI was supposed to be at), and I think by the end we made it a little better. He stopped being cold and hard, at least, which is an indication that he's not feeling quite as bad anymore.
Tuesday I skipped Egypt class so I could finally make it to Writing with something to give the teacher. Basically, I sat in front of the computer actually WORKING, with a small break for class, from seven in the morning to five in the afternoon. Boy, did it feel good to be done. So I met up with David and we spent the evening watching Disney movies, and I was happy in the laughing out loud and dancing about till I was dizzy. But you know that that kind of joy can't last, not when it's not finding an equal response in those around you. So I came back down off that high and hit the ground pretty hard, but it evened out eventually.
Wednesday I actually woke up on time and got to class early, which is a first for my nine-thirty class. And I did good things, and finished annoying chores like a good child, then went to my afternoon class also on time, then met up wit Kittie for dinner and went uptown with him. Did a little work on my velvet coat, then cuddled up and went to sleep.
Today was worse. The morning was too lazy and unproductive, and I felt bad in class, though amazingly enough I made it on time. And I felt bad about being mean to Kittie when I was running off to class in a hurry. After class, I fixed the black velvet pants I bought Monday. Had lunch rather late. Sat online trying to get myself to work on my writing. Only got a little done, then went to Sci-fi. But by then I was just down. Sci-fi didn't engage me this time. Went to dinner with David, he ate this time but still wasn't too happy. Went back. Most people were playing a game I didn't know. I sat down in a chair all by myself, didn't really feel like their crude jokes and conversations about things I don't know. They always make me feel even more left out. George, Chris, David, Melissa and Kalman formed a little group off to one side. I was rather lonely. Eventually Chris was going to drag me to a D&D game, but George came up to me and asked me if there was any way I could pass on it. It's wonderful how great of a friend he is to David. I said of course. When they were leaving, he came up to me again to say goodbye - only him - and to tell me that if I wanted to join sometime later, I should just tell them. I felt like he cared, it almost made me smile. Well, I probably smiled at him, but I mean, inside I was still down. But it almost made me stop being down. George is a wonderful person, I hope he is David's friend forever. He's a great friend. I really respect and value that. But in any case, I was down. I felt like pounding the sidewalks, like walking long and far. But it was nine by this time, and it's not safe to go far from the populous places after dark alone. So I went back to Rubin, so as not to spoil people's fun with my sour mood. Talking to Greg cheered me up briefly because he was upset and I needed to help him out. But I feel down again now. I should just go to sleep.
Current Mood:  melancholy
Current Music: Stephen Sondheim. Into the Woods: "No More"
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